My mom is an LPN and has cared for a girl (actually a woman
who is now in her late 20s) who has needed 24/7 care from both people and
machines since she was born. Let's call
her Tracy. Tracy does not have muscle
control of anything but her blinks. Only
those extremely familiar with her can decipher her grunts, groans, and blinks
and be reasonably certain they know what she wants. She lies in the same position all day and can
only move if someone moves her. No one
really knows her mental capacity. Tracy
has very little, if any, value to give.
I struggle to comprehend this life.
Do her parents love her in the same way that they love their other 3
kids that are healthy and 'normal' and give so much in return for their
parent's love? I can't say for certain,
but I can imagine that the parents struggle with this.
Our kids are literally extensions of ourselves. Most of us find it is easiest to love
ourselves, and by extension, it's not that difficult for people to love their
kids (especially younger children).
Among a whole list of things, kids give meaning and valuable purpose to
our lives. We may view them as our
proxy, and despite our desire for them to have the best, we tend to fill our
own need for self-worth and validation through their successes. Kids give us something, and although we try
not to love them just for that reason, the give and take is so much intertwined
with that love, it's hard to tell the difference sometimes.
Our spouses represent another aspect of love. We choose to give our heart to this person,
yet we take the leap of love in the risky hope that our spouse's love will
catch us in return. My choice to marry
Gretchen was in part driven by my trust in her that she would indeed always
love me in return. Even in marriage, our
love is partly due to the hope that something will be given in return. In some marriages, like that of a former
college professor, one spouse becomes incapacitated physically (and perhaps
mentally) and the other spouse spends the rest of his or her days as a physical
caretaker in addition to the normal task of being their emotional
caretaker. This is a demonstration of a
Godly form of love, one that sacrifices and loves despite receiving much of
anything in return, and despite sometimes feeling miserable extending that
love. Loving does not always make us happy, and if it does, you’re not really
loving.
It's also interesting to note that love for God is often
driven by what He does or can do for us.
We love Him because we get something from Him, not because He is simply
worthy of love. If God did not give
eternal life, would you still love Him and serve Him?
If you peel back enough layers of our ‘love”, there is often
that selfish motivation, that one thing or things we get in return for
giving...and like an addiction, those things control our actions. You might find tangible rewards like help
when you need it, money, things, sex, etc. and intangible rewards like
happiness, self-worth, sense of accomplishment, pride, etc. We often do the right thing, but it is at
this deeper level that our human version of love is so completely and utterly distant
from the love of God.
God extends love due to our intrinsic value alone. His love is not based on what we give or what
we do.
I am inspired by this form of love. I want to see the intrinsic value in people
and love them without the pollution of their practical or emotional value to me
or the things that they do. The belief
that God is the immovable mover of love is critical for me. Because He loves humanity unconditionally, and
I am created in His image, I also have been given the capacity to always grow
closer to this perfection. If He does
not love us in this way, then there is no hope that we can move beyond the
practical, yet ultimately selfish, give and take currency of love that we
currently exchange.
I appreciate the love that is given to me, and enjoy the
rewards of loving others, and in reality need all these things desperately in
order to love. But I'm proposing that
this is not in our original design and shouldn't be the acceptable
reality. My reality is that I often love
less when I am given little to nothing in return, including the potential hope
for something in return. We shouldn’t
ignore our emotional need of receiving love and rewards for love, but we should
constantly strive to depend less and less on this need to effectively love and
value people. We should strive to be closer to that place of full redemption
where love is purely given with no strings attached, whether consciously or
subconsciously.
You will often find me an advocate of balance, but when it
comes to love, I believe we should always work towards being extreme, where we
give unconditionally and despite what is given in return.
You touched on something dear to my heart in this post. Parents of special needs kids. I have adopted several and love them to pieces. Little red-head Stephen is the least able to care for or even protect himself in any way. If a sibling smacks him in the face, he cannot even see it coming or put up a hand to defend himself (that would be his autistic sister, Hannah, who has accasionally done that). But he is truly precious to me and I love him so much. The love he gives me is pure and unconditional. When he hears my voice in the room you can see his intense look as he listens. When I come close and speak to him and touch him, sometimes he laughs out loud for the pure joy it gives him. He smiles and makes happy sounds in response to our words. He will never be able to do anything of intrinsic value for me but he gives me pure joy. How many people out there are trying like crazy to be happy and are missing what really brings happiness?
ReplyDeleteI cannot speak for the parents of the child that your mom cared for but I know many parents love their special needs kids deeply and in some ways stay closer to them then "normal" kids. Their dependance on you keeps you close to them in a way that you can only understand once you've had a child like that. I thank God for my special kids. They have taught me what unconditional love is. Thanks for sharing.
Hope, you are one of the few people I think of when I think of Godly, truly sacrificial love. Your rare willingness to take in kids (and so many at that!) with special needs is one that is a true reflection of God's love for us. They have intrinsic value beyond their contribution to society and you see that, respond to it, and make sure they know that. Inspiring. Thanks for your thoughts and feedback.
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